I'D RATHER MUSE INSTEAD: THOUGHTS ON KINDNESS & THE FUTURE OF BBW.

I have been promising a post on the more tedious and grueling aspects of a spinal fusion - the financial impact of the procedure and its long recovery period - and I do have a half-complete draft for which I have lukewarm feelings. But I just cannot face this aspect quite yet. This feeling may be related to the migraine and other headaches that took me down for much of last week.

Or perhaps it is related to the call I received from a bill collector who, in a patronizing tone asked me when I planned to pay my bill for Dr. So-and-So's services. (I honestly don't remember this doctor, but it is not at all unusual to have doctors you don't know assisting in the operating room and then getting bills from them.) When I very nicely told Ms. Collector that I did not remember receiving a bill from said surgeon, but would be happy to pay it if she would kindly send me another billing statement, she snarkily replied that she "guessed" she could do that but "only this one time."

I get it though. She was probably thinking I was just another person on the other end of the phone telling her what she wants to hear, most likely without the resources to follow through. And she probably has these kinds of conversations often, as many people these days are finding it difficult to pay their mortgages and grocery bills, let alone the medical bills that pile up.

So I am sure she was caught off guard when, in confirming my mailing address, she realized the wrong address was in the system. Her tone changed immediately, she apologized for the error, and she politely requested the correct address. I kindly thanked her for her help and told her I look forward to receiving the bill at my actual address.

It made me think - shouldn't we all try to start our interactions with others with kindness and compassion, and without assumption? There is no way for us to know the life circumstances of another or what he or she is going through at a given moment. The quiet, unsmiling cashier at your local supermarket that appears disengaged may be suffering through a rough divorce or the death of a loved one. The attitude Ms. Collector adopted and the assumption she made about my unwillingness to pay that bill may stem from hating the job she must keep to have health insurance.

But in these situations and many others like them, kindness and compassion towards another can create a shift in energy, and a smile can lift a heavy heart. Since my spinal fusion, I remember every act of kindness offered me: the hospital food service woman, a girl in her early twenties, who went out of her way to bring me fresh coffee in the hopes it would help me feel better; the woman at the grocery store who offered to help me fill my cart with items I could not bend over and pick up while wearing my back brace; the gentleman who gave me his seat in a crowded doctor's waiting room after noticing the clunky back brace I was wearing. These moments have heightened my sense of compassion, filled me with gratitude, and inspired me to practice kindness.

Another thought: at some point, BBW will naturally come to an end as I come closer to total recovery. I will no longer have experiences to post. But I am just not ready to give up BBW.  I have enjoyed writing about my spinal fusion, not only because I now have a written account of all my family and I went through to reclaim my life, but because it has helped others. I have received wonderful emails from people who have a renewed sense of hope about getting their quality of life back. I have people I now call friends who endured spinal fusions and have offered their support in the middle of their own tough recoveries. It has given me back more than I gave.

So what do I do? This thought occupies the back of mind all of the time. Do I put BBW in a basket and send it down the virtual river for others to discover? (Please pardon the "Moses and the reeds" reference but this blog, in a way, is my baby.) Do I transition BBW into some sort of resource blog with new and interesting info about spinal fusions? If you have any thoughts, reader, please feel free to leave a comment. I am open to ideas.