This is the morning pain pill cocktail I have been throwing back for almost four years now, the only variance being that the dosages of these medications have continually increased since they were first prescribed. Let me clarify: this is what I took to start the day and does not include any medications taken during the remainder of the day. IIt can certainly add up, can't it? Despite all I was doing and had been doing, the pain returned with a vengeance. I can no longer twist or bend - no more yoga or Pilates. I didn't finish the ski season and spent the last day of it knitting in the lodge while my husband and friends partied on the slopes. I don't walk my dogs now - walking at a brisk pace causes bone to grind on bone in my lumbar area which panics me to no end – what if it severs something I really need? What if I end up in a wheelchair? What if it creates even more pain?
At the time I was working for a software vendor and was traveling at least once a week. I would wake at 4am and immediately take the Cymbalta, Tramadol and Soma, even before I had my coffee. That way, it could start working while I took a hot shower to soften my muscles surrounding my spine that are always tight. I would haul a laptop and a rolling suitcase to the airport by 5:30 am, lifting both on the security x-ray, taking off my belt and shoes, walking through x-ray, putting my shoes and belt back on and lug my gear to the gate (by this time I couldn't wear any kind of shoe that wouldn't slip on. Anything with buckles or laces were impossible as I could not bend forward to buckle or lace them without tremendous pain).
By 6:30 am, I was in alot of pain and exhausted. Once I boarded the plane I would lift my suitcase into the storage bin, and lift it back down at the end of the flight. Once I arrived wherever I was scheduled to be, I would then take a Percoset and the Neurotin as needed (and it was always needed) throughout the day. I would repeat this entire process - airport, security, lift suitcase up, lift suitcase down - around 7 pm the same evening, taking an additional Tramadol or Soma with a plastic glass of cheap Chardonnay.
I was exhausted, in tremendous pain, and clinically depressed. To be perfectly frank, there were several times I wished a semi would run the red light of an intersection and hit me. Other times I hoped to slip on the kitchen tile and quickly break my neck or trip and fatally split my head open on a blunt object just to not have to deal with this anymore. Plus the added pressure of trying to perform to my previous standards at work while I was having this physical and emotional meltdown was taking its toll, and I began to feel like I could not do anything well. At this point only a handful of my coworkers knew I was sick. Then, when pinched nerves in my left leg created a significant limp, it wasn't as easy to hide how I felt physically when walking around the office. I was also becoming less capable of keeping my opinions to myself and took issue with things that would not have bothered me in the past. FYI, coworkers and bosses, especially, do not appreciate this. Things were going downhill in a hurry and I knew it was time to try something else. This was no way to live.
Wow, this is exactly how I feel. Right down to most of my co-workers not knowing anything - though, now, some of them are starting to notice.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, Amanda. That was probably the worst period of this whole experience for me. I wonder if you have sought treatment yet or are doing physical therapy?
ReplyDeleteIf I could do it over again, I would have been more upfront with my employer and coworkers. They can sense something is different and have a tendency to associate the fatigue and any mood changes with job performance instead of a health issue. In the meantime, whatever stage you are in this process, take care of yourself. I wish you the best of luck.
Diana